Poem: Ode to the Turtle


Turtle, turtle, stay away

No sir, no sir, we shall not play.

I know you seem alright to me

But still, a snapper you could very well be.


Don’t look at me like that! I used to love turtles.

But one day one murdered my Great Aunt and now my blood curdles

Every time I see so much as a bright green shell

Or smell that distinctive, boggy smell.


Turtle, turtle, leave me be

No sir, no sir, there’s no chance you see

I know you seem alright to me

But so did Suicide Squad and that movie was crappy.


Don’t get me wrong, most turtles are cool,

But one once stole my wallet at the neighborhood swimming pool

He stole my identity just like that

And ran off with his friends to buy some crack.


Turtle, turtle, please don’t cry

Fine, fine, I’ll give you a try

Holy hell what’s that I see?

Where did you even buy an AR-15?

And why, oh why, do turtles hate me???

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